Luna's Journal

Monday, February 10th, 2025

* Yeesh, it fills me with shame to see this abandoned website. One of many in a god damn grave yard of abandoned interests and projects.

* I have so many dreams of grandeur. I want to make it somewhere. I want to be famous. I want to make art that connects with millions of people.

* I WANT TO BE A [[BIG SHOT!!!]]

* But I'm trapped in my own mind like a prisoner in a hell I created. I want to be loved, and I simultaneously fear being seen, being known. Ugh. So dramatic and for why?

* The good news is, I'm starting to understand the nature of my self sabotage. The work is slow. So very slow. But, I understand myself more. Progress.

* Small update, I'm on Adderall, but it doesn't seem to be helping as much as I'd like it to. I'm following up with my doctor tomorrow, so I guess we'll see how that goes. I'm already drowning in schoolwork on the second week of the semester. If my doctor and I can't figure out what I need, I might need to rethink how I'm going to approach school.

* I guess that's it, not many changes in my life right now. I'm still learning to cope with old wounds and how to love myself and all that fun stuff. Oh, I'm also rethinking my relationship with art. I might put down drawing for a bit, and try to find joy in other places. I used to draw all the time. I actually used to be a design major. I was the art kid. But it stopped bringing me joy a long time ago. The title became part of my identity and I didn't know who I was without it. I want to try some new things though. Mostly im just feeling hopeful, even if things aren't turning out right now. Adderall has helped a bit, so i know im on the right track. Art doesn't bring me joy right now but I know video editing does.

* I'm undoing perfectionist tendencies one step at a time. I'm making very, Very, VERY slow progress - but progress nontheless.

Saturday, July 20th, 2024 - Later that day

* I'm listening to Don't stand so close to me by The Police, and reflecting on a crush I had in highschool.

* Except, it wasn't a crush. It was an obsession.

* It wasn't cute, it wasn't healthy. I, like many, was going through a hurricane of complicated feelings and dealing with ongoing trauma. I didn't have a good relationship with my father. So like the story usually goes, a girl with daddy issues unconsiously looks to rewrite the story. I had a young teacher for a technical shop class, one that lasted twice as long as any other class during the day, so we got to spend a lot of time with him. He was maybe 24, and I was 15. He didn't acknowledged my advances, not until I was a bit older - but, this isn't going to be one of those stories. I just wanted to focus on my side of things. The unrequited, complex feelings for an authority figure in the midst of puberty - a fucking shit storm in the making.

* Like I've mentioned before, I have very intense emotions, so all of this for teenage me was almost incomprehensible. I didn't know what love was supposed to feel like, but for the first time, I felt an emotion so intense, so visceral. Surley, this must be it, right? My face flushed around him, my heart hammering in my chest, and a new phisical sensation I'd never felt before. All I knew from media was that falling in love was a strong, unmistakable feeling. As for the physical part of it? I thought it was part of the package. How else were couples suppost to start a family, right? Maybe this is what the hubub was all about. Honestly, it felt worth the hype, and I quickly grew addicted to it.

* I fed it. I'd stay behind with stupid quiestions just to spend time alone with him before he'd urge me onto my next class. I'd wander in after school was over to hang out. I signed up for a club he was hosting, one I wasn't interested in, to be near him. I'd day dream about him. Things escalated so quickly. Our desks had computers on them, rows of seats facing eachother with dividers underneath. Confident that no-one would know, I got bold and started sqeezing my thighs together under my desk, trying to create friction. It wasn't long before a hand found its way underneath me.

* I wrote feverish, barely lucid fanfics, where I created porn quality plot to hurry up and get to the smut. "Oh, no Mr. Teacher, I failed :( Can I do something to boost my grade? owo" - you know, that kind of shit. It always took place in his classroom, on his desk. For reasons I didn't understand yet, I wanted to be taken advantage of. Those 3 years I had him as a shop teacher all felt feverish and insane. I remember how hot my face constantly seemed to be, my whole body on fire. How I'd always try to catch his eye, how I'd remove layers before walking in the classroom. I needed to be near him. I wanted to smell him. I could smell myself. I must really love him, I thought to myself. My head wasn't right, and I needed help.

* I remember that one of my favorite bits at the time was to drop my lore in a cutesy voice and a smile. Fucked up? Yeah, 100%, but I also didn't understand how bad it was. My father made me feel powerless. He used anger and fear to control me. I was defiant and I rebeled in my own ways, but years of that kind of shit really wears you down. I could feel as bits and pieces of me were worn away with time. My pattern is to seek men who are controlling, in positions of power, entitled. If I don't find any of that, I unconciously create an imbalance of power in the relationship. It's what I know. I want the person to choose to treat me well despite the power I've given them. To prove to me that I'm still worthy of respect. That I can rewrite the narrative. It hasn't worked out.

* I'm just glad things with that teacher didn't go anywhere. He made a comment on how I should come back when I turn 18, during the last few months of school. I can say a lot about that, but I can also say that he didn't hurt me. He could have. He could have hurt so many girls, who threw themselves at him because he was young and in a position of power. Last I heard, he was under investigation a few years after I graduated, but it was dropped because the girl was 18 and out of school by the time they were talking. So like, lawful-evil, I guess.

Saturday, July 20th, 2024

* I caved and looked at his youtube channel today. No, not the same person from that other entry. There was this strange back and forth in my mind about it.

* "██████? Oh, yeah. Wonder how he's been. Do you think he still thinks about us?"

* "Absolutely not, We're shutting this down. Remember how doing this shit makes you feel? Every time without fail you feel awful afterward. Don't."

* "Let's just... check. Just for a second. One glance."

* "I really don't think that's a good idea."

* "What if it's to test if we still have feelings? One look and we're out. We can find out if we're over him. If we are, we get to celebrate! And if we aren't, we'll be out of there so fast, it won't hurt."

* And for whatever reason, the more "responsible" party caved in to the conman that fucks shit up. All it took was one glance, and my heart is still beating as I'm trying to pour this out of my brain so I don't have to think about it anymore. I scrolled down and reached the thumbnails with his dumb, stupid, idiot face and... I don't really know how to describe it. It wasn't shock, and it wasn't like old feelings came rushing in. I mean, some of them did. But there was also this fight-or-flight response.

* I've said it so many times before it's basically a catchphrase. I feel my feelings so intensely, they're almost too big for my body. I live life at 110%. I feel like I'm going to die if I don't act on them. It leads to really stupid shit. Horribly embarassing acts of desparation. My prefrontal cortex completely shuts down and I fucking send it. The steering wheel is off, baby!!! I cry so often, easily and at extremely embarrassing and inopportune times. There's no holding it back, I keep trying to, but the floodgates have often already burst open and I'm shaking before I have the time to catch myself. Anxiety is especially paralyzing, but that's a topic for some other time.

* Anyway, all that to say: my emotions are so intense that I fear them and how they cause me to behave. I want to get better at managing my responses to them. I decided to try and sit this one through. Maybe I could just wait until whatever I was feeling faded, and his thumbnails became just more pictures on the internet. There's a method to the madness. But... I couldn't do it. It wasn't long before I bounced. The whole thing didn't take very long, maybe a few minutes. But I spent much longer feeling awful about myself, feeling stupid, unable to control myself. "What's wrong with me? Why did I listen to that voice? Why wasn't I strong enough to simply walk away? Why do I do this to myself?"

* The only real answer that I can give myself is that I'm human, one with strong feelings and impulses. It's in our nature to fuck around and find out. So of course I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to keep making them until I die.

* There are some times these feelings and impulses have brought me so much joy and freedom, that while I see them as a failure to "control myself," I also see them as the moments where I truly lived. They were the times I existed completely in the moment and chased what I wanted without a second thought, and even if I didn't get what I wanted, I enjoyed myself the entire time. I was loud, unapologetic, feral. If I had been some kind of perfect, model citizen with the self control of... I don't know what exactly has perfect self control, but if I had been one of those, I wouldn't have those memories.

* It's dificult for me because while my impulsivity has brought me a lot of joy, it equally hurts me and other people around me. I've kept myself mostly in check through shame or fear, and that's not exactly healthy. There's no balance, just violent swinging between "no thoughts head empty" and self flagellation. This is the reason why I'm in therapy. I still haven't learned how to let go of the whip.

* I'm reminding myself of a video of a baby I saw a while ago. They were pulling their own hair, and that shit hurts, so of course they're crying about it, asking mom for help. Not realizing that they're causing their own problem and if they simply let go the pain would stop. I'm kinda like that little guy, but like, emotionally.

Undated - I don't know when I wrote this

* BITCH!! I just got prescribed some stimulant ADHD meds!!! Lets fucking go!!! I was previously on Strattera, but the side effects got so bad I had to stop taking them. I stopped eating well and dropped like 10 lbs, it was awful. Like most people, food brings me a lot of joy and not being able to eat made me more depressed than I already was. My doctor considered Adderall but because of how Strattera affected my appetite, she settled on a low dose of Focalin, since her daughter takes it and she seems to have a good experience. When Strattera worked for me, it was like everything suddenly made sense. I applied to go back to college while I was on it, it changed my life, even if only temporarily. I could DO THINGS. It was easier somehow to redirect my attention. My anxiety just straight up disappeared and I was happy to be alive. I felt how I think I'm supposed to feel, if that makes sense. She and I decided that I should take Focalin when I start school, only on weekdays and take breaks on weekends. I'm just excited to try it out, because unlike Strattera and Wellbutrin, this doesn't take months to find out if it works for me. I can find out right away and not have to deal with medical russian roulette long term. I'm waiting for her authorization to go through. I just want to be able to do shit.

* Speaking of focus, Imma be real, I've hit a wall. I'm talking about working on this site. I'm mentioning it because it feels like that initial wave of motivation has petered out. I think I got hit with decision paralisys, or maybe I need to find better resources - but I just don't know where to go from here. I think I know a decent amount of HTML tags and CSS but I don't exactly understand how to put them together without a guide, It's going to take me a minute to figure it out. Right now I'm struggling with making a 3 column website, but "display: inline block;" and "float: left;" can only do so much. I don't understand how exactly they work. I want 2 static side bars and a main section between them, and theres also multiple ways to solve the problem. Maybe I'm just approaching this the wrong way. I want to find the "right" answer, the "correct" way to lay things out but maybe there isn't one right way. Maybe I should just be satisfied with getting what I want to work before worrying about syntax.

* This is also a weird pride point for me, I don't want to borrow someone else's code, I want to make this shit from scratch. Home made, organic, straight out the oven. Maybe I should just tell that voice to shut the fuck up because there's really nothing wrong with store bought. If it works, it works, right?

* Edit: Turns out I just didn't get to flexbox yet lmao oops

Tuesday July 2nd, 2024

* The question I wanted to ask him the other day was "Why didn't you invite me to the wedding?" but I cut myself off. Things are weird enough as it is.

* Instead what came out was, "Why... Why didn't y- Nevermind, I already know the reason why." I mean, I'm an ex, it would be weird to invite me.

* "Are... you sure you're okay?"

* "Mmhhmm!" I said while nodding like he could see me. I was trying so hard to sound happy and okay with everything that was happening.

* But even with the answer I have, I'm confused. I guess I thought that I was important enough to invite. We basically grew up together (at least since we started highschool). He was my best friend before we started dating. When I asked myself if the situation were flipped, would I invite him to my future wedding? I answered yes without hesitation. But that's because he's not me. I'm impulsive, and when I'm not overthinking, I'm not thinking at all and words fly out of my mouth faster than I can catch them. In moments where I was lonely and horny and weak, I turned to him. He's never done that to me. He's never wanted to use me like that. So yeah, of course I wouldn't be welcome.

* And while that sounds bad, I'm not some kind of home-wrecker. The circumstances are fucked up. I was asking about sex before he had gotten whisked away and set up into an arranged marriage. He married a girl he hasn't even known for a week, under threats from his parents. It's weird. It's all so fucking weird. At the very least I'm secure in the knowledge that I wouldn't want to be with him long term. We want different things out of life. We've been in a long term relationship, basically a marriage, about 6-7 years. So it's already been done. I know what to expect, and it's just not something I want. Logically speaking, that is. It's more complicated because he's familiar. No one has ever known me as well as he does. No one's given me the patience or the time. Yes, he infuriated me and mistreated me as much as I mistreated him. God, he's so stupidly stubborn. Yet he gave me a place where I could also be me, completely and fully. I felt safe enough to speak my mind unfiltered, something I didn't find in my next relationship. Something I fear I'll never find again. That second relationship left me so wounded, I don't know how to lower my guard anymore. I want to say that I tried again, but my third attempt could be better classified as self-harm. I knowingly walked into something that wasn't a relationship, knowing it would hurt me. I deluded myself into thinking it wouldn't, that I was okay with it. I wanted, no, needed him to change his mind about me. None of this was conscious, of course. I was still hurting, not realizing that I was hoping he could prove a ghost wrong. I wasn't myself. I was definitely not okay. I couldn't let my guard down with him, and I still got hurt.

* I don't want to risk getting hurt anymore. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let anyone in again.

* I think the last conversation I had with my first ex was him gently telling me I wouldn't really be a part of his life anymore. He didn't say it like that, but I like to think I can read between lines sometimes. He's still a part of my discord server, he's interacted with my messages, but I'm still trying to figure out how comfortable I am with everything. I mourned the relationship when we broke up, but this is different. I guess I genuinely thought we could still be friends. So far, every person I've been with has said we could remain friends and none of them meant it. They probably said it out of pity, or maybe guilt? I don't know, but I'd really appreciate it if everyone was direct with me. I don't need anyone's pity.

* Anyway, in writing this down, I can see that I've made the same usual mistake I'm always making. I keep putting my self worth in other people's hands. I keep hoping someone will prove to me that I'm worthy of love and respect.

* This isn't news to me. I've overthought my issues like it's a goddamn hobby. I know exactly why I'm fucked up, and how I'm fucking up. I can tell you exactly why X thing that happened in childhood has led to Y behavior in adulthood. I know, but I don't understand. Like how there's a difference between memorizing things for a test, and actually being able to apply the material. I'm so "self aware" that I've somehow circled back around to being completely clueless. Stuck in my own head and in a fog so dense I'm unable to see 2 feet ahead of me.

* I'm so frustrated and tired of this cycle. It's not fun. I feel somewhat lucid now, but as soon as someone new walks into my life, it's going to be the same song and dance. I'm going to get lost in feelings and chemistry, all this subconcious bullshit will take over before I even recognize that it's happening, both parties get hurt. Things end, the cycle begins anew. I'm so fucking sick of it.

* I want to get off Mr. Bones' wild ride.